Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

by Ryan McKee

For our bi-monthly comedy show at The Paper Heart, we brought out comics Anthony Jeselnik and Jonah Ray. Anthony has a way with words. Here are five of my favorite quotes from the weekend.

1. As we were driving out of Los Angeles:

Anthony saw that Ron and I were wearing shorts. He announced that he was wearing long pants. We look down at his legs and in fact, he was right.

“Driving across the desert in jeans is a horrible idea,” I said.

“Maybe if you’re a pussy like you guys.”*

*I can’t remember his exact quote. It was probably much wittier, meaner, and crasser, but this was the general sentiment.

2. On the drive to Phoenix
Ron has been asleep in the back seat for an hour. Jonah Ray calls Anthony on his phone and he says,
“Yeah, the drive’s good. Ron finally fell asleep. So, Ryan and I can talk.”**

** We weren’t even talking that much.

3. At the comedy show

“You pieces of shit!”**

** Told to the audience a number of times – both blatantly and suggestively.

4. To our tired friend Ronnie, who wanted to go to sleep after the comedy show:

“Stop being such a bitch and let’s go party.” ***

***Though crass, it worked, and we all went to party. However, 10 minutes into the partying, Anthony passed out on the couch.

5. Text message to me on Sunday morning

“Yo, when are you fucks going to come save me from this deaf cunt of a cat?”

**** We had left him at our friend Jacki’s place on Saturday night because he passed out on her couch. She has a cat with a hearing impairment. It just wants to be loved.

Anthony on the diving board.

For more pictures of the weekend, click here.

Highlight reel from the show:

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